my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
