Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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