I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
