took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
