i was born a porn star she said
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
