apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
A+ Viking dick
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