My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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