i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I checked into jail on foursquare
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
