i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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