I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
