woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
