her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
