no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
