Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
