did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
