Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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