One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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