Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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