I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
