The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
