you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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