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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
