Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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