I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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