I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
