The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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