I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
