we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
