Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
