i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
