I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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