Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
