Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
