So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
