Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
