if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
