i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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