my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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