1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
