you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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