You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
