Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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