Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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