Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
