That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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