I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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