Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
