I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
