I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
