the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
