This is not my ceiling
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
