She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
